Well. I'm obsessed with my roommate.

Ok so we were roommates fall semester, and then I didn't live in their room spring semester, but I spent ALL my time with them, and we traveled together every weekend, and slept in the same room then, so we were still practically roommates. And we got so close. And starting in the fall we will be flatmates (although each of us has a different roommate). I only started getting to know her when I moved in in September. I was constantly trying to please her and have her like me because that's the kind of person I am, and because I liked her, and because she's the least froofy and doesn't outright tell you she likes you or anything like that. And then by the end of fall semester there were moments when she would prove to me that she liked me, and it sent me over the moon. But I didn't start liking her more than anyone else until spring semester I don't think.

And then there it was. Partially physical as well, more-so when I'm drunk, but also because she doesn't cuddle and I need to touch people that I like. My feelings scared me because I had JUST examined my feelings and thoughts and had come to the conclusion that I'm straight, but particularly fond of romantic friendships. And then there was this.

And now that we're home for the summer you can see that I'm obsessed. Besides thinking about her, saving photos of her being adorable and looking through them before I go to bed, and stalking her blog excessively, I mention her so much that people know her name better than the name of any other of my friends. And I worry too. I worry because she's not the type to reply to every little thing you send her, and she doesn't reply most of the time, and then I'm back to my what-if-she-doesn't-like-me insecurities, when I know for sure that she does like me. I came back from Paris happier than ever because it was a sure thing and we were getting closer and closer.

It's bad. Even V told me I need to stop obsessing over her. But I can't. And. What if I'm bi. Labels suck. And just because I'm used to thinking like this, that makes me uncomfortable. I'm supposed to be straight. I wouldn't say no to a relationship with a girl, but I would never want one long-term as in until I'm fully grown-up, as in when I'm an adult. That wouldn't fit in with my plans for the future.

So I don't know what to think of this. I don't fantasize about kissing her now (although I have before, but getting to make out with her (although others too) while we were all drunk was good for me, and for a while I thought that was all I needed and my feelings were gone because they were just a physical longing to kiss her, but I'm obviously still feelings things and being obsessed) but I do stare at pictures of her, and can't help myself with how adorable and beautiful I find her, and remember what her ass looks like in her really tight jeans, and remember how soft her hair looks and feels, and how soft and smooth the skin on her face looks, and how it feels to hug her, and how it feels for her to hug me back, and how after our long goodbye-for-the-summer hug she had tears in her eyes.

I love her. And I don't know how else I feel.

I'm worried because she hasn't posted or commented or replied or anything since her layover, right after I left her at the airport. Did she get home ok? She must have, and I know it's silly to be worried, and I know that I shouldn't overreact, but I love her and I just jump to worst-case scenario conclusions sometimes I guess.

Also I don't know if I'm being a bitch. I act nice, but is it bad when feelings change, and the people I loved now irritate me, and I don't want to be friends with them anymore, but I have to be. And I feel like they're making me act in ways in which I don't want to act, and are forcing me to do things to keep them happy, and I have to oblige. And I can't discern the one from the other, so if I tell anyone it'll definitely seem like I'm just a bitch, and not that the way they're acting towards me is rude as well. V and I never force each other to reply to each other's rant emails because we know that some things don't need replies or don't warrant replies, or are just impossible to reply to even though it is your friend's thoughts and emotions. Also we know that life gets in the way. A lot. And then no-one is to blame. But other people can be so unreasonable.

Also I think it might be too early to diagnose myself with post-Europe depression, but I have it I think.

Mrr.

I started imagining (new) scenes again, but I understand that I won't talk to you until the end of April, or maybe even May, and I still don't find you attractive, and maybe I'll stop liking you at all by that point, but I still keep your texts open on my phone sometimes.

Valya says that you seemed eager and excited and it's so so true and it doesn't make sense, which killed me, but she said that maybe something that I can't find out through stalking happened. It doesn't matter. I try to tell myself that. Because if we become friends again in the spring, it will be a brand new start I think.

I'm not crying over you anymore, and I might not be a romantic anymore officially either.

I still want you, and I still stalk you, and I still want a relationship (badly) but I think I'm succeeding at being more rational. I hope I'm succeeding.

And we'll see how Europe goes. With guys I mean. I don't know how willing I'm going to be to give it up to foreigners, but maybe I'll be drunk enough for it not to matter. I shouldn't worry about it, and that's really the only main thing.